We all have these moments, we all experience the demands, and we all go through shitty times graced with thoughts "It couldn't possibly get any worse", only to be proven wrong.
I do not know how I got through it, I tried to lay down and die, I really did, it didn't work. So I just picked myself back up off the floor and worked it out. But I do not know how. It is still a mystery. Though I think it has to do with introducing some reckless abandonment to my interactions. Moments of "Well, fuck it, I don't really have anything to lose".
I see people who never do this, never picking themselves back up after tragedy. I suppose it is easy to get lost in the endless streams of emotion that you who still have your loved ones cannot imagine until they too have left.
I am off track though so let me pull it back. See, lost in the endless streams of emotion. Fuck.
I have a best friend, actually, she is more like a wife. Actually she is a wife, we just don't get all sexual, we both like men too much. We have conversations that I have never even had with a man, we get tattoos together, we have talked about the business we will open, the bank accounts we will get, the possibilities and the way that our lives will look 40, 50, and 60 years down the line. We are committed to each other and each others growth and progression in life. She came into town for Christmas, we both had twisted and demented years that tried everything in our lives but our friendship, so it only seemed appropriate that we be together to celebrate survival.
To feel a bit better about ourselves we dressed in one of our 15 new pairs of recently purchased yoga pants, painted on electric blue eyeliner, and glitter bombed one another.. we drank some beers and headed out for whatever randomness that the night held. African dancing. Saisons. Midnight yoga and meditation. Martinis. And an endless supply of those confetti explosion champagne bottles. We rang it in right. Neither hammered nor completely sober we just couldn't have given a shit less. It was likely the best new years I have had in a long time, maybe even ever.
The yoga class somehow seemed surreal, the things I saw... the things I felt, the way I feel now. Somewhere between the likes of deeply wounded and iron man super hero, I feel at rest in this space. Indifferent to effort because I know what is to come, and more importantly I know it is not going to kill me. As long as I do not lose myself in the desperation that is the desire to be loved by friends and lovers alike, reminding myself over and over again that I will be okay.
I feel like that is the hardest thing, to remind ourselves that we will be okay, because we always have been. And as we jump on the boat of risk for love, work, and community, we are constantly gambling with loss, we have always been okay in the past so why would it be any different now? The only time we are truly endangered is when we believe that we have arrived, that we know it all, or declare what we know as though it is permanent. This is spiritual suicide, and if you don't have spirit, what do you have? Translate spirit as you wish: god, buddha, south park, soul, nature, self, wisodm.. whatever makes you grow. Personally I choose South Park, it doens't let me get away with thinking that anything is more sacred than another thing.
I hope you find some humor this year as you look at whatever inspires and defeats you, that you can laugh in the face of it and know that you too will be okay.
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