Love

Love can be a big enough struggle, with out the influences of others opinions on what it should look like.  The skepticism only makes my head and heart spin worse, which is not really where I want to be.  But it seems to be knocking at my door these days and apparently I need to answer it or its gonna keep fuckin pounding away.  

I have survived a lot of really shitty relationships from punches and slaps to drug abuse, to porn abuse, to cheating, to deception.. whatever, we all have.  The choice is in how we handle it, do we introvert and contemplate, do we dwell, do we go screw 23 different people in a month, or do we range somewhere in between the black and white, dancing in the greys? There are soooooooo many choices and everybody has their opinion on what YOUR healing process should look like, whether it comes from loving protection, jealousy, or personal experience.. we are all too happy to express it, even if it only feeds a demon that is bashing around your demented mind already.  Right now I feel more inclined to say that people are happier to display concern than celebration, but I might be reacting off of hurt feelings.  

So here it is.  After a 4 year relationship that was great minus a few small communication issues I cried for a day or two, got angry at the deception for a few weeks, and then saw it for what it was and am moving the fuck forward.  This forward motion also consists of a so-far-sweet-brazilian-dude  Thank god I met him, he has kind of been my knight in shining armour.  Coming in a whisking me off of my feet with his ability to communicate, touch, give, and laugh.  His sweet words that I haven't heard the likes of in over 5 years.. they kind of make me melt.  When he touches me it is electric.  And after a week he was saying things that implied longer term, and maybe I started to as well.  It is not easy for me, but it is healing.  I am scared shitless really, but what do I have to lose?  Is he going to kill me?  You who know me also know that I can take down anyone, so I doubt the case is my impending death by this so-far-sweet-brazliian-dude.  However.. I want to randomly throw in there that I am learning just how confused and fucked up I am about how the world works.. his kindness makes me cautious... thanks to my addiction of previously challenging relationships I seem to believe that you should watch out for people that are nice.  Fucked. Up. 

Let's address the outside skepticism I have received from so many on this recent exciting love story:

"But it has only been a week"

"But you just got out of a LONG TERM relationship"

"But you JUST got out of a long term relationship"

"You are not ready"  

"It sounds too good to be true" 

"But you don't really know him"  

"Rebounds rarely work" 

It is great to share your thoughts and concern, I never ever thought of any of these possibilities, thank you for reminding me that things can turn out shitty, I know it comes from your love for me, but what I really want to hear is "Are you happy?"  and then "That is so awesome, I am so excited for you, tell me everything".  Because for shit to work it needs excitment, support, and encouragement.  It does not need to be fed negative nancy shit that I am already having plenty of to begin with.  I am perfectly aware that there is potential for "failure", I am just not sure what failure means in this situation.. not trying or it not working?  

For those of us that do not trust others judgement (which is all of us at some point in time), it is time to recognize that we actually do not trust our own, and with that reflection sometimes it is better to keep your mouth closed or feign happiness.  

Nobody knows the needs of my heart more than I do. 

I am swinging through excess, from a depletion of love over the past few years, not just boyfriend/girlfriend way, but from loss, deep devastating loss of people who could predict my needs before I could speak them, which is nurturing and until it is gone you have no idea what you will be missing.  I am hyper aware of this, deeply in touch with what is swirling in my life.  

Maybe I should divulge my approach to love and to the world.  

I am devoted to this world.  I refuse to believe we are doomed, because what does doom really look like?  Do you know or do you just know what you have been told?  I believe in jumping in, leaping off of the edge, letting go and knowing that something, whether it be myself or friends, will catch me when I fall.  I believe in letting your friends do the same thing and telling them over and over again that you will support them because you love them.  Support does not mean enable or critique, and thats a balance that we have to find.  I believe in opening more and more to the amazing possibilities of life.  I would rather reflect and do the work instead of shutting down.  I believe that love will save us all and the current perception of it is the root of disease and unhappiness.  I believe that we are all working through our own shit, but that doesn't give us the right to throw it at others.  Ever.  But we do it and those we are close to fogive us and we move forward. Not one of us better than the other, just gently shifting moments of clarity, we reflect them back reminding and inspiring love.  

We need more celebration in our lives, it is like oxygen, we thrive off of it.  We all deserve it, even if we know someone is going to fall flat on their face, that is not our business, we are community to support those around us, to know that it only effects us if we allow it too, and that we can just be there when shit falls the fuck apart.  Others experiences are not about us, and when I find myself distorted from this reality then I try to refer back to the agreement to Take Nothing Personal.  

I guess I should take my own advice though and take nothing anyone says to me about me personally, but that doesn't make it any easier when I am battling my own fucked up habits and need some help to pull myself out of it.  And that is where community comes back into play... we are here to pull each other up when someone is down.