When we decided to move to Thailand I could barely wait to sell everything.. dresser, bed, couch, tables, speakers, bikes, tools, clothes, camping stuff, books, kitchen stuff... I got rid of shit recklessly, and it felt good. For the two years that followed I pretty much lived out of a backpack and a small suitcase moving 6 times (not including the moves from America and back to America).
All that moving and shaking across borders and thresholds solidified the "get up and go" desire that nags at my soul, and now it seems as though I really cannot get rid of it. It presents itself at every turn, creeping in in the middle of the night, interrupting my slumber, reminding me that it is still there, lurking to move, go, get, run, flee, travel, bounce.
Thiough some of that started to change once I lost my mom. I felt conflicted, I wanted to feel settled, yet I didn't. I wanted a home to fill the gap of her but I also wanted around the wolrd plane tickets to distract me from that same gap. I thought feeling rooted would come in the form of a house with a dog and a yard, but oh how surprising it is that things are not working out the way that I planned them. The reality... Settling is hard when you own nothing and want to roam around the globe.
Well I guess I do not own nothing....
I have two bikes and some locks for them.
Camping gear.
Some climbing gear.
A yoga mat and a few accessories to match.
An essential oil diffuser.
A himalayan salt rock lamp.
Some books.
A speaker. An ipad. A phone.
Pants... so many pants...
Shirts.. A lot of those as well.
Essential oils.
Dried herbs to blend teas.
A few very small decorations.
And some bad ass jewelry.
I would need so much more to settle in the way I envisioned at one point. Like a house which means a lease or mortgage, which is a little too binding for the itch that drives my soul mad. A car would be good too. And what about furniture, a couch, a bed, a chair, a table, a book shelf. Kitchen supplies. Towels and bathroom stuff. Sheets and bed linens. Speakers. Lamps and lights. Curtains. Decorations. The list goes on... and the thought is daunting.
Maybe I will never own stuff again. Maybe I will gypsy around and live with my "wife" in Montana who already has stuff. That way I can zip away when I like, buy a plane ticket, and not have to sell or store the things I do own, and disappear into the ethers for as long as I want or need to. That sounds like freedom, or escape.
The settling I want to discover is that which comes from within and is shared in a community. Settled in my friendships. With a lover. With my family. With who I am in the world. This is the settling that I have been searching for. To me it offers more stability than the possessions that cause me to feel stuck, tied down, and restricted. To me it is the ultimate, the number one most important thing to be deeply connected to those I meet and know. We can sit on the grass and share a meal and stories. I can snuggle with a lover on the floor. I can practice yoga anywhere. I can build a fire and throw some food on it to make meals. We can eat out of tin foil and drink out of our water bottles. We can build initmacy with out the walls of a house, with out the comforts of a couch, with out the convenience of a kitchen... We can be connected in these ways.
My priorities have been simplicity for a very long time, and selling everything to move to Thailand made me the happiest thing ever. I felt light and free. I also believe in creating peace within myself, rather than externalizing it in the form of material (unless of course its yoga pants... those are an investment into your future), things. It was easy for me to get swept up in the American idea of settling, only to remember after some heartache and confusion that it really doesn't align with what I want or believe is important in this world.
Live well. Live simple. Converse. Sit on the floor. Love. Communicate. Share. Know what matters to you, because ultimately comfort lies within your own soul. We can handle anything in the world when we are settled within ourselves.
